Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
