My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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