1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
