going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
