I just pynch a tree in the face
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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