At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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