Already got asked if we're dating
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
