you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
