I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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