I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
