im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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