where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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