you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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