one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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