Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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