I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
