I met the friendliest cop last night
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
