How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
