I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
