My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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