My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize