just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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