im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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