Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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