Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
