Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I wish my penis had an off switch
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I enjoy the company of your penis
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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