she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
