Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i need some magic done to my vagina
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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