Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize