is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
