I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
