My boss' voice literally gives me gas
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize