maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
