I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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