why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
