Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
