The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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