i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize