Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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