my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
