I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
