I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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