You were right. It hurts to walk today.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
