it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
