he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
