you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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