i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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