So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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