You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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