My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
