put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
