Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
