I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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