Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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