All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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