I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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