I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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