i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize