Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
