I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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