I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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