i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
