'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
