Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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