My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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