Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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