I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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