I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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